"Happy for Her, Sad for Me”: How to Cope With Jealousy During Infertility

Jealousy is one of those emotions no one wants to admit to- but if you’re going through infertility, it shows up often. Seeing a pregnant belly at the coffee shop, scrolling past yet another announcement on Instagram, or hearing a friend’s excited news can trigger that familiar sting behind your eyes and heaviness in your chest.

Jealousy in infertility isn’t about wishing someone else harm. It’s about the ache of longing, and the grief of what hasn’t yet happened for you. Here are some ways to navigate it with compassion:

1. Name It, Feel It

The only way out is through. When jealousy rises, pause and notice it instead of pushing it away. If you feel your stomach drop or tears sting when you see a pregnant woman, gently squeeze your arm and say silently, “This hurts.” Trying to resist the pain or piling on self-criticism only makes it worse.

2. Let Go of the Pressure to Feel “Happy for Others”

So many women feel guilty for not being able to celebrate their pregnant friends with full joy. One client I worked with found relief in repeating the mantra: “I’m happy for her, but I’m sad for me.” That’s enough. You don’t need to force joy when you’re hurting. Infertility can take up so much emotional space that there’s little left over for other people’s celebrations, and that doesn’t make you a bad friend, it makes you human.

3. Talk to Friends Who Get It

Many women keep infertility private, which is understandable. But silence can increase isolation. Even if it’s just one or two trusted people-or a therapist- it helps to have at least a couple of people you can lean on. Seek out safe friends: the ones who either know infertility firsthand or who are emotionally mature, non-competitive, and willing to meet you where you are. The best support often comes from people who can hold your honest pain without minimizing, and who are genuinely curious about how you’d like to be supported, and then actually show up that way.

4. Be Honest About Your Emotional Experience and Needs

Speaking your truth about infertility isn’t easy, but it’s the first step toward getting the support you need. Maybe you need:

• friends to listen without offering advice

• someone to validate your feelings without trying to cheer you up or change the topic

• your partner to sit with you in silence rather than trying to “fix it”

Naming these needs out loud gives others a chance to show up in ways that actually help, instead of leaving you feeling misunderstood.

5. Ask How You’d Like to Receive Pregnancy News

Not everyone will honor this request, but some people will. You might ask close friends to tell you privately by text before announcing on social media, so you have time to process in your own way. Even small acts of sensitivity can soften the sting, even if they can’t take it away entirely.

6. Create Distance Where You Need It

If certain people consistently make you feel worse—even after you’ve shared your needs—it’s okay to step back. Protecting your emotional well-being is more important than maintaining every relationship during this season.

7. Limit Social Media (and Social Gatherings)

Algorithms can be cruel—once they pick up that you’re anxious about fertility, they’ll push more pregnancy and baby-related content your way. Muting or unfollowing accounts is self-care, not pettiness. The same goes for skipping baby showers, kids’ birthday parties, or spending long stretches with pregnant friends. Think of it this way: if you had just gone through a painful breakup, would you want to hang out every day with a friend in the honeymoon phase of her new relationship? Probably not.

Final Thoughts

Jealousy during infertility doesn’t make you selfish or unkind—it makes you human. It's a reflection of how much you long to become a parent. Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d give a friend, and protect your heart as you move through this journey.