It’s Okay If You Don’t: Trusting Your Instincts and Reclaiming Control During Infertility

Infertility can feel overwhelming and full of expectations—both internal and external. Social media, well-meaning friends, and fertility “rules” can make you feel like you have to do everything “right” to succeed.

But the truth is: you get to decide what works for you. You don’t have to follow any piece of advice or ritual.

It’s Okay If You Don’t…

…feel genuine happiness for your pregnant friend or attend the baby shower.We all want the best for our loved ones, but envy is strong and can make joy for others complicated. It doesn’t make you a bad person—it means you’re surviving something profoundly painful. It’s human to feel grief when others achieve what you’re desperately longing for.

…buy pineapple merch.Maybe you don’t want to spend more money representing your infertility journey (which has, frankly, sucked) or broadcasting it to the world. That’s okay. You don’t need a symbol or slogan.

…vibe with sayings like “baby dust,” “it only takes one,” or “you got this.”Clichés often fall flat. Most people don’t know what to say in the face of trauma or tragedy. It’s okay if these well-intentioned statements don’t make you feel hopeful or strong.

…wear lucky socks, bring a crystal to your transfer, or eat McDonald’s fries afterward.There are plenty of fertility superstitions—little ways to create control in a powerless situation. It’s okay if you don’t believe in them or simply don’t feel like participating.

…want to join infertility support groups or talk openly about your journey.Your story is yours, period. And let’s be honest—people often say well-meaning but hurtful things when we open up about infertility. Still, it’s important to have at least one person (outside your partner, if applicable) you can confide in—and that might include a therapist.

…bond with your clinic’s nurses and doctors.Some providers are brilliant but have questionable bedside manner; others are caring but unavailable or unresponsive. You don’t necessarily have to feel a personal connection with your care team to get good care.

…replace all your products with “non-toxic” ones, take fertility supplements, or try acupuncture.Research is mixed on many of these. They can be costly, time-consuming, and draining. It’s okay if you don’t go all-in on every recommendation—especially when it’s unclear what truly makes a difference.

…think positive thoughts all the time.It’s valid to feel anxious, sad, angry, or hopeless. This journey is brutal, and toxic positivity can invalidate what you’re really feeling.

…follow accounts that don’t make you feel good.If certain infertility influencers or “success stories” are pushy or triggering, mute or unfollow them. Curate your safe space. Create an account that’s just for joy—pretty nature scenes, puppies, cute outfits, anything that feels light and comforting.

…want to memorialize the pregnancy you lost.Not everyone wants to name, ritualize, or commemorate a pregnancy loss. Some people grieve by detaching and moving forward. There’s no wrong way to grieve.

…put embryo photos on the fridge.For some, those images bring hope. For others, they’re painful reminders of past losses or uncertain futures. You don’t have to connect with your embryo until or unless it feels right.

…believe in manifestation or spirit babies.These ideas can be comforting for some and high pressure for others. If you don’t resonate—or if you’ve felt anxiety about not “manifesting hard enough”—it’s okay to let that go. Surrender and non-resistance are just as powerful.

…want to adopt or use donor eggs, sperm, or embryos.If you long for a child who shares your (or your partner’s) biological connection, that’s not selfish or narcissistic. You’re allowed to want what you want.

…want to continue your IVF journey.Stopping for financial, physical, or emotional reasons isn’t failure. It’s self-respect. It’s honoring your limits and your life.

Closing Reflection

Infertility can feel profoundly disempowering, but reclaiming agency in small choices—what rituals you follow, what advice you take, which expectations you meet—can be a quiet act of empowerment.Trust your intuition. Honor what feels right for you.

And just as it’s okay if you don’t, it’s equally okay if you do.There’s no single “right” way to walk this path.

If You Need Support

Reclaiming your voice and agency in this process can be deeply powerful. If you’re ready to feel more like you again—and make choices that truly align with your needs—therapy can help you get there. Contact me for a free consultation.