Toxic Positivity and Infertility: Why ‘Just Stay Positive’ Can Hurt During IVF

Disclaimer: Different kinds of support are effective for different people. Some may genuinely find comfort in gratitude practices, hopeful affirmations, or positive mindsets. This post is written for those who feel dismissed or hurt by those messages, and who need their full emotional experience validated.

What Is Toxic Positivity?

Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how difficult or painful a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. While optimism has its place, toxic positivity dismisses the complexity of human emotions and leaves little room for grief, anger, or despair. For women going through infertility and IVF, this can feel especially painful because it minimizes the depth of their struggle.

My Experience With Toxic Positivity

As a psychologist who specializes in infertility, part of my role is to help clients find tools that bring more ease, calm, and strength into their journey- whether that’s emotional regulation, perspective shifts, or self-compassion practices. But an equally important part of my role is meeting clients exactly where they are and allowing space for the full range of emotions, without judgment and without rushing to “silver linings.”

During my own infertility experience, I came across the term “toxic positivity,” and it immediately clicked. I had so many moments where well-meaning comments stung.

• At a dental appointment, when I shared my situation, the assistant told me: “Just have a glass of wine with your husband and have fun—you’ll get pregnant.”

• Others advised me to “just relax,” as if stress alone was the cause of infertility.

• After a pregnancy loss, I was told: “At least you know you can get pregnant.”

• I heard: “It only takes one embryo” after I had done  multiple egg retrievals that yielded zero healthy embryos.

Each of these statements was intended to uplift, but they landed like blame or minimization.

What Helped Me (And May Help You)

Interestingly, not all “positive” statements hurt. Some of the very phrases that are often categorized as toxic positivity, such as “What’s meant to happen will happen” or “Everything happens for a reason”- actually resonated with me. They helped me surrender some control and trust that my life had meaning beyond my own timeline.

And that’s the truth about navigating infertility: what feels supportive varies from person to person.

Different People, Different Coping Styles

In my work with clients, I’ve seen the full spectrum of coping approaches:

• Some find strength in repeating affirmations such as “I will have a baby in the perfect time,” or “Hope is still alive for me.”

• Others turn to spiritual practices or faith, trusting that they are being guided.

• Many lean into gratitude as a grounding tool, focusing on small daily joys, even amid heartbreak.

• And some need space to rage, cry, and grieve without being told to “look on the bright side.”

All of these are valid. What matters most is that you are honest with yourself about what lands and what doesn’t.

The Takeaway

Infertility is already filled with enough pressure- pressure from doctors, timelines, and your own expectations. You don’t need the added pressure to “stay positive.’

If someone’s words feel invalidating, it’s okay to name that (to yourself or to them). And if certain mantras, beliefs, or practices truly support you, embrace them fully, in a way that feels right for you.

Most of all, remember: you don’t have to carry this emotional load alone. If you’re looking for a space to sort through your feelings and develop a mindset that feels authentic to you during IVF, I’m here to help.